How to Move On from a Failed Relationship

Exactly 10 years ago, I was a radiant lady who was full of dreams and ambitions. Suddenly, a man came along who shifted my views and made me feel that he can cut short my journey toward my goals. He made me believe that I can dream bigger and better. He enrolled me in law school, renovated my family’s house, and provided for my financial needs. Just like a totally perfect leading man which I used to read in romance pocket books, I thought, he was the one.

After eight years of living together, and after having two kids, we drifted apart. I didn’t see that coming. Any woman in her right mind would not want her family to be torn apart, but any wise woman would not tolerate to be repeatedly abused, cheated on, and disrespected. Although of course this is easier said than done, the only way to put things in better order is to move forward.

Interested to find out how am I playing this part, really? These are the things that I do:

1.       ACCEPTANCE. This is the best advice that I have read on Twitter. If bad things come your way, realize that surprising things do not happen to only you. Accept that in one way or another, the unexpected could always occur because we co-exist with a multitude of human beings with diverse backgrounds. If you’re hurt, accept that “it” happened and your situation CAN change.

2.       SURROUND YOUR SELF WITH TRUE FRIENDS. Indeed, friends are blessings from God. At times when you cannot think rationally because you are emotionally affected, these people would lift your spirits up. They may not always say the words that you would like to hear, but definitely, they will tell you things that they truly mean to help you recuperate from your bad fate.

3.       AVOIDANCE.  Avoid the places, things, or websites that would only remind you how things used to be. If you keep on entertaining your ex’s attempt to communicate, you won’t be able to move forward. Give yourself the peace of mind that you deserve. If he was not present in your life 10 years ago, it is still possible to live another kind of life without him in the next years to come.

4.       READING BOOKS. Read the bible and other inspirational books that will make you remember that you are complete and worthy even without the approval of the person who once was part of your life. Since break-ups are perfect cues that you have more time for yourself, seize the opportunity to read good books so you could improve more as a person.

5.       HIT THE GYM. It is scientifically proven that an active lifestyle not only puts one into good shape, but also empowers an individual to think more rationally when summoned to sudden pressures. Avoid stress-induced cancer cells by squeezing in some exercise in your busy schedule daily.

6.       BUSY YOURSELF. Being in a toxic relationship can zap your energy. Since you already freed yourself from a humongous stressor, it’s about time that you channel your love from just one person to chasing your dreams. Keep yourself busy not only to become productive but also to have no time for overthinking of the past.  

7.       LEARN FROM THE LIVES OF SURVIVORS. It’s also nice to talk to people who have experienced the same challenge in their lives, especially those who became happier later on. Most of them simply continued living an upright life and eventually they were blessed. Ask them how they weathered their storm and you might learn something for your own guidance.

8.       DIVERSION. Being single entails a lot of me-time. Have you had any hobbies in the past that you have neglected since your priorities changed? Now is the best time to get artsy and crafty again! Do you have wishes on your bucket list that you haven’t checked yet? Now is also the opportune moment to reach your goals one by one.

9.       BE FINANCIALLY ABLE. It’s costly to be in a relationship, right? Money matters become a headache instead of being a fuel to happiness. Now that the decision-making is all yours to handle, without the opinion of somebody else on how are you supposed to utilize your hard-earned funds, make sure that you transform yourself this time to become financially savvy. Educate yourself, invest, save, and minimize spending.

10.   FAMILY. Blood is always thicker than water. If your relationship with your biological family was severed in pursuit of a wrong relationship, now is the time to reach out again to rebuild bridges. Only your family will be willing to assist and understand you completely in your emotional, financial, and psychological ordeals. Channel back your love to them for they deserve it better than the one who pushed you away.

11.   PRAY. Every time memories rush in and you feel hurt, just utter a short prayer asking the Lord for healing rather than anguish in one corner. Ask other people to pray for you too because only God can change somebody’s heart, from being in pain to being liberated.

My Clingy Daughter

I’m supposed to go home at this point but I opted to stay longer at Valpoly’s faculty office because I know that once my daughter sees me, I wouldn’t be able to attend to my pending tasks anymore. My daughter would embrace me, would follow me wherever I go, and wouldn’t allow me to be out of her sight. She’s very clingy. And I love it. But of course, since I’m a solo parent with multiple chores to do, I couldn’t afford to devout all my time in cuddling. Mommy has to work like a horse.

It breaks my heart to hear her cry every time I would leave her at a neighbor’s house so that I could proceed to work. Her wailing is like a dagger that tear me inside but I have to close my eyes and move forward so that I could provide her a better life. Good thing, my relatives are supportive and they’re willing to take care of my daughter whenever I’m out. 

Whenever I’m stressed at work, I’d read a Bible verse and look for my children’s photos to inspire me. I stare at my beautiful kids’ photograph with thankful eyes, for the Lord has blessed me with smart, cute, and adorable sources of joy.

Hami is just one year old but you could mistake her for a two or three-year old kid. I bet she’ll be bigger than her older brother when she reaches the same age.

She loves to eat food just like mommy. She can already count from one to five. She loves to sing Frozen’s “Let It Go” and she’s also into watching Badanamu’s youtube playlist.

I love the feeling of my daughter’s tight hug. Her gesture tells me, “Mommy, you mean the world to me. Even if daddy fell astray, don’t worry, because I’m here for you and I will never replace you.”

Hamichu, you complete mommy. I love you with all my heart. (Also Kuya)

Happy Father’s Day To Me

Last Father’s Day, I was anxious on how should I be spending the day extra special. As single mother who personally know a handful of Pinoys who had been irresponsible to their respective families, I wondered if there are still men who should be righteously called as ‘fathers’ as opposed to those who should merely be regarded as ‘sperm donors.’

The thought popped in my head one Saturday I was teaching technical writing at a certain college. For the ‘outlining exercise’ I required my students to write about the ‘father’s day.’ I saw some faces smirk which I pretended to ignore. A few minutes after, questions on the English translation for certain Tagalog words hit the airwaves– for abandonment, betting game addicts, drunkards, hot tempered, irresponsible, and many more. Inside my head, I was screaming, “What’s happening?”

Father’s Day is there, supposedly, for the children to honor their dads at least once every year. But instead of excitement, majority of my students seemed to be apathetic to the capitalists’ strong reinforcement of the bandwagon.

I also noticed that there were posts on social media honoring single moms on father’s day because they also play paternal role in the absence of their partners. I, too, received greetings from my close friends ‘saluting’ me for my current state. Their greetings made me feel empowered and proud.

I capped the day by joining my sister in treating her hubby in a restaurant. It was a long and tiring, but amusing day for me.

Weird Mindset About Government Service

I am working for the government for nearly five years now and it is just recently that I realized something about the way people look at public service employees – a city hall extension.

I can recall a number of times when people would go to me to ask help for job placement at the local government. They would normally ask first who referred me to the job, which I would defensively answer, ‘I applied and got hired. I didn’t ask for anybody’s endorsement’. Sadly, a lot of people have this misconception that if you’re working at the government, somebody must have referred you to get in, which is not always the case. In my case, my education was my passport to get the kind of job I have right now.

Sheer Skills Got Us In, No Referral
-Writers

There were also instances when people would ask for my assistance to help a child get enrolled at the PLV (Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Valenzuela) even if the entrance exam was flunked or the grade requirement was not reached. I would just advise them to draft a letter addressed to the university president and wait for the reconsideration. Questions would still continue even if they can’t get the guarantee from me instantaneously that they will get what they want.

It is sometimes frustrating that you are willing to help but you are limited on your part, and the people who tried to seek help from you eventually gets disappointed. Sometimes I couldn’t help myself from thinking, “I was quietly just sitting here, you would bug me, I would tell you the extent of what I can do, you’re either lazy or clueless on how to follow procedures, we’ll end talking, and you’ll leave disappointed at me because I wasn’t able to help.”

I confided this sentiment to a friend and he just remarked that the situations cannot be avoided because that’s part of public service. Another colleague who’s been a government employee for a decade also mentioned that we should really provide results for the people who come to us because we’re public servants. So I asked my colleague, how do you do it? He simply said, “I just tell the officers, ‘hindi talo’.”

I wish it’s really as simple as that to because to be honest, even if I’m a government employee, I still follow the rules, I also get declined with my requests, and not everything is smooth for me too. So how can I help?

One of my friends, who is now a high rank official at the People’s Park, used to tell me that he is not fond of giving away his mobile number to others because people loves to ask favors from government offices, and it’s burdensome if you’re a busy person. Yes, the salary that we’re getting is from the taxpayers but we’re taxpayers too. Are we a public commodity because we’re government employees?

There’s a bigger culture here that for a period of time, I refused to embrace. It may have taken me for quite a long time to realize that my introversion has no place in this kind of environment but surely I’m more than willing to continuously learn the tricks of the trade.

So how do I improve further? Network more to help others more…

20 Notes to Self

I am on my early thirties and I can say that for the three decades of my existence, I still have not mastered how to appropriately communicate with different people. While theoretically speaking, I know that people wear different masks depending on the kind of people they converse with, I still feel a little challenged when I am in a particular communication situation that I am unfamiliar with.

Indeed, you can’t please everybody.

Decide to be happy each day of your life.

I wanted to inculcate in my mind that all the people who came into my life has been there to make me a better person. Through the years, these are the things that I have learned (in random order):

1.       Do not argue with close-minded people. They understand no reason. It’s futile to argue with them. You can’t win logically and they will beat you with experience. 

2.       It’s alright to have enemies in this world, for it means that in your life, you are principled enough to stand up for something.

3.       Never entrust your whole life to a close friend. Familiarity sometimes breeds insecurity. When your friend starts to be envious of you, the person will use your secrets against you.

4.       People change.

5.       Even if you may not get along well with your family, when the going gets tough, they will still be there for you.

6.       There IS karma.

7.       Love yourself. Make me-time a habit.

8.       Money can buy convenience.

9.       There is power in networking.

10.   It’s good to have smart men as friends. You’ll realize that chivalry is not dead after all.

11.   Life is less complex if you’re doing the right thing.

12.   Life is unfair. What makes it fair is the element of time. We are all given 24 hours a day to spend our lives appropriately and happily.

13.   On prioritizing tasks: Discipline should be non-negotiable.

14.   Health is wealth.

15.   It is important to upgrade your skills each year.

16.   Be conscious of the things that you need. Important things should always be within your reach. Buy them.

17.   Cosmetics should be a woman’s best friend.

18.   Give your smile to everyone.

19.   When a door closes, a window opens. Be on your toes. You can’t be sleepyhead forever.

20.   Prayer is the most effective happy hormones booster.

Not everything mentioned here are original thoughts. Some are just adapted from inspirational tweets and some are from the persons I strongly admire. As I pass through this game called life, I actively choose the paradigm that tells me that my life is getting better. When I wake up each morning, I ask normally wonder and tell myself, “Dear life, what happiness are you bringing me today? I shall find you.”

Embracing Valpoly

My prior blog entry was “The PLV Lecturer.” It essentially talks about my calling in teaching and the sense of pride that the teaching profession provides when you finally see your students achieve their goals little by little as they immerse themselves in the world of professionals, with you.

This time I just want to share my joy of having been invited again to be one of the faculty members of the Valenzuela Polytechnic College or the “Valpoly.”

It was a pleasant experience because I was able to see my co-faculty members – some familiar faces are the lecturers I only meet on my Saturday classes, some say they are DepEd teachers, and some were fresh grads of the same institution.

I was surprised to see myself on the powerpoint presentation of the college registrar during the introduction part. I was lined up among the English communication lecturers of the said institution. I think it was a warm gesture of appreciation to the new and old faculty members alike. The slide show of all faculty members somehow promoted a strong sense of belongingness amongst us.

I am really thankful to the Lord that He gave me several opportunities to earn a living for my children. I am also very thankful to my mother, who pushed me to finish my education in the best state university in the country, making all my job searches in the past fuzz-free. Furthermore, from time to time, some people endorse me to certain writing and teaching jobs that also help me get through my obligations each month.

Times had been tough on me lately, but instead of burying myself to loneliness, I chose to use my struggles as my inspiration to achieve more. While at times I also cry when people judge me without knowing me first, in my heart I also thank them for the hurtful words they say because they motivate me further to keep going. And when I say I’m moving forward, that’s the direction I’m taking.

I am not claiming that I will be “somebody” in the future because to be like that would entail a lot of toiling and heartaches too. I prefer peace of mind. Others’ opinions are meaningless to me because in the eyes of my children, I mean the world to them. I am only driven to do my best to become the best mother that I can be – a kind of mother that they will be proud to introduce to whoever they rub elbows with. 

So at this point, babies, rejoice for mommy because she’s on the right track… for both of you (Vladimir and Hillary).

Binibining Malinta Twelve Years Ago

Last Friday, I was invited by a good old friend to judge the pre-pageant of “Binibini At Ginoong Malinta 2016,” held at the VCCPA Auditorium.

It was a pleasant experience seeing young confident ladies and gentlemen ramp on stage.

Yours truly was a title of the same beauty contest in 2004 and 12 years after, I am still being invited back, this time to judge the pre-pageant.

Former Title Holders

My cousin, Angelo Fulgencio, the reigning Ginoong Malinta title holder, was also there accompanied by his ever supportive mom, Tita Cel. He will be passing the crown to the next winner in the next couple of days.

Ginoong Malinta 2015 with his mom

Binibining Malinta has been running for over two decades now. It is more consistent that its city-wide counterpart, the Binibining Valenzuela. The Ginoong Malinta on the other hand is already on its ninth year according to its founder-organizer, Boc Clariño.

Bb. Malinta Swim Wear Competition

Ginoong Malinta Swim Wear Competition

Bb. Malinta 2016 Intermission Number

Ginoong Malinta 2016 Intermission Number

It was nice to see familiar faces on stage. Two of the candidates were my former students – both were good looking and smart in class. I also saw another one who is a regular customer at my small internet shop. Despite my familiarity with some candidates on stage, of course, I am setting aside my bias. Deep in my heart, I am just wishing them luck, hoping that this community activity could also help them gain more guts.

Looking back, although joining beauty searches is not my cup of tea, I could say that being a winner of local beauty pageants is still helping me become a better person. Once in a while, it reminds me to become a little more of a beauty junkee which is somehow essential for women in the field of teaching profession and public relations. There is some sort of an invisible force telling me to live by my three titles because it’s easy for people to judge how others look. People easily associate being kind or nice to being pretty. On the contrary, it’s easy to regard people as incompetent or unimpressive if they look plain.

Although it’s ideal not to care about how people think, somehow, image management is a must for me because beauty is already etched on my personal branding. It’s already in me that I could no longer erase even if most of the time, I prefer to be invisible and I’d rather go unnoticed. It’s not that I am bragging nor am I thinking highly of myself. I am a simple person who’d rather read books and write articles than put make up on. But then again if my ‘reputation’ is helping me put something on the family table, why not carry on?

Beauty is not everything though. As you age, skin deep beauty fades away too. It’s a good thing that I was raised in a household that puts premium on education. While beauty is an amazing accessory, it is still your character and substance that will define you better. 

The PLV Lecturer

I reckon Prof. Tony Mabesa in our Theater Class in college; he asked our class, “Who among you wants to become a teacher?” I think there were only three of us who shot our hands up in the air. He looked at each of us and nodded approvingly.

I also remember chit chatting with my orgmates who said that their dream was to teach in UP. I expressed my thought, saying that if given the chance, I’d like to teach in the far flung areas of the country because UP students are already bright. If I am to shed some light, I’d like to teach in places where the educational system is poor. A good friend remarked that I had a beautiful idea. But then she paused. It was nice but it’s kind of impractical too at the same time.

These two thoughts vividly visit my mind from time to time, cherishing the thought that God placed me to where He wanted me to be – in teaching. 

Recently, the PLV admin called for a general assembly and I was ‘lucky’ to be given teaching load again this coming semester. PLV administration officers are quite vocal in stressing that if a lecturer is no longer invited to teach in the university as a part timer, it means that that person has a certain conduct that is not in line with the values and culture observed in the institution.

The university president welcomes the lecturers for this academic year.

At the assembly I saw my two former students who are already part of the faculty. They are Jeff Amistoso and Joel Molina. Both were my bright students who, as I could foresee, have promising careers ahead of them.

My very first student to become my co-faculty is Jimmy Lou, who now teaches in Valpoly.

I am thankful to God because I was given additional units this semester. This opportunity to teach in PLV is a tremendous help to me.